An Email to a Distressed Mom

From time to time, I write thoughtful emails to parent clients with my thoughts hoping to offer some nugget that might strike a chord and help them navigate their parenting journey. Often, I've thought, "I should post that email to a blog, maybe others want to read this email." And so here is an email that I wrote today to a mother of a young boy who called me last week to inquire about my services. Maybe it strikes a chord for you.

Dear "Mother of Young Boy",

Our phone conversation has been buzzing in my mind and heart since we talked last week.

I want to reach back out and let you know that you are not alone in your frustrations and search for the best solutions. Just in this community alone, I've worked with many parents who were in your boat while their child was in school. Though I can't share all of their names with you for confidentiality reasons, I imagine that if you began asking around town, you would find them.

Yesterday, I ran into one of them at the optometrist's office. Her son is now 16 and a student at a wonderful private school in NH and doing well. She first came to me when he was in 2nd grade at (same elementary school). By the end of 3rd grade, she had made the decision to homeschool him after that. All of the school staff told her that she was doing him a disservice, yet she persisted. I continued working with them through the homeschool experience and watched him blossom and thrive in a way that would not have happened by staying where he was. Yesterday, she told me that she was cleaning through old files and she found all of the paperwork from the IEP meetings when he was in 1st, 2nd, and 3rd grade. And all she could think was "he was just a little boy and they were so hard on him". And I saw it at the time. I knew they were being quite tough on him. And it broke my heart at the time.

Why do I tell you this? Because I know your child. I've seen this child many, many times in 25+ years. And I know how challenging it is to raise this child. I raised two of them myself.

And I want to encourage you to listen to your motherly instincts and follow them. When your instincts are in conflict with what the teachers at school are telling you, then follow your instincts. You know your child better than anyone else.

I also want to share a few resources that other moms recently shared with me.

This one was shared with me by a local mom whose son is in college now. Pardon the swears that this writer uses.

These two posts say what so many moms feel and wish they could say:

https://www.renegademothering.com/?bot_test=2

https://www.renegademothering.com/2018/01/04/16-years-mother-ive-learned-lied/

And another local mom of a middle school son has become a fan of Michael Gurian and introduced me to his work.

When you spoke of how much your child moves, it reminded me of my own two boys who were in constant motion as little kids even in their sleep! Similar to your son, when we watched a movie they climbed all over the furniture the whole time. Once they were 9 and 7, I learned about therapy/exercise balls and bought two. They played all over these while watching a movie which felt more acceptable than walking up and down the back of the sofa. Both of my boys and their father are people who are in constant motion. And at 23 and 21 both have carved lives for themselves in which they are always moving and working hands-on.

Michael Gurian is an advocate for boys and writes about the necessity of education valuing a boy's way of being in the world and setting up school to allow for activity and motion.

You might find his writings to be interesting.

http://www.michaelgurian.com/education/

And lastly, one of my favorite psychologist/authors is Dr. Russell Greene. He is a specialist in dealing with children who have been labeled defiant and oppositional. His latest book is Raising Human Beings in which he describes his approach for parents. https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Human-Beings-Collaborative-Partnership/dp/1476723745

When you look at his Amazon page you will see that he has authored several other books, the most notable is The Explosive Child.

***Please Note: when I speak about schools to parents and in my writing, I speak about the system. And when I say "school staff", I mean the system. I was once a teacher in "the system". I am quite familiar that the frustrating experience that many students and parents have with school is a result of the conditions of the system and is not always because the of the individual teacher. Mostly, teachers who I know are big-hearted, kind, smart souls who are doing their best to make sure the system doesn't damage the child. Its a much tougher job today in light of the greater mandated expectations than it was 20 years ago. God bless every public school teacher who tries each day to personalize and meet the child where he/she is in spite of where the tests think that child should be.***